My biggest regret….

Dear Daniel…

You’re my biggest regret.

As I walked down the hallway, ready for all that the world would bring at me, you walked straight up to me, and spoke gently to me . Medical school scared us both, but it was good fear. Fear that made us strive for the best grades. But that’s as far as you helped me. Beyond that, it was downhill.

I was innocent before you. But when you came into my life,  I became a savage.
You were insatiable.
Yet you never took responsibility for what was yours.

‘Daniel, I think I may be pregnant.’ I was petrified. You mustn’t have seen it. You beat me up so badly, I couldn’t come to write the test we had the next day.
I didn’t want to, but I had to get rid of it…..

I should have been smart enough to end it then.
But no. Like a stupid dog, I followed after you still.

The second time, I couldn’t even tell you… My birth control failed, and I was a bit too far along. You didn’t notice.
I found me a quack, and it was also gone. You were mad at me for two weeks, because I was too weak, to ‘be your woman’.

I wonder if it was love that made me stay, or just a fear that no one would want me. Or worse yet, a fear of all the beatings I’d get.
I was scared to be around other men, especially those that treated me right.
Because you would pounce on me, and my pretty face would get distorted.
I was asked once too often, why my face was all swollen. It was either the bath tub, or the slippery tiles, or lack of sleep, I’d say.

You were always sorry soon after. But you never stopped. And I never left.

When it happened the third time, my devastation was an understatement. The birth control interfered with my cycles and hormones, so I didn’t even realise it until after the fourth month. I knew I was going to die.
I had to tell you, and that started another tirade, and beatings so hard, I passed out.
I had to lie. I’d been attacked by robbers, and I miscarried that pregnancy.

I thought marriage would end all the violence. I was a smart doctor, yet a stupid woman. in the second year of our marriage, you wanted a child.

Oh how we tried!

But month after month, nothing happened. Your mother wanted me out, and the abuse became routine.

Why were you beating me, when you were the reason we had no children? Why were you so angry, when you had purposely killed three of our kids? Why, Daniel, Why?

Today, I’ve realised thatI’ve been a fool for far too long.

I’ve also realised that hiding from you isn’t going to solve this. I’m sending this letter to you, and a copy to the police. They’ll know where to check in case I’m killed. I’m going to leave you, and I’m going to be free.
I’m going to find a man, that will make me happy, and not kill me in the process.
We’ll adopt children, and live life – real life.
I’m only 28, it won’t be hard.
I’ve gone back to the Jesus you made me neglect so many years ago. He’s going to give me happiness, and all the stupidity is gone.
So Daniel, Enjoy your life. i doubt you will. I’ve only started living mine.

love,

Elaine

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